It's been an year...

...And the day has come again. Its one of those things that, of late, I have awaited the least. And yet, its here again..with all its hues of blight. Its again that I wished to wake up a little late, and cry a bit more into the midnight. To drive recklessly down the streets, oblivious of what may happen, or is yet to happen. And search for a blue under the city's sky which always seems somewhat incomplete without him. The blue that is reminiscent of thousands of tears and tussels, panics and promises. And the blue furry overcoat that he wished to buy for his twins. Its again, yet again, that I clawed my fists to fight a few tears back. And wished learning to play the flute to allure someone to stay back a few more moments. I wished in the least to do this to him today. But yet again, I had to bid him farewell with another counterfeit smiling face. It haunts me to see the innocent smile on his face. For the times I've wronged him, and ruthlessly stained that innate innocence. And on the way to the victory of my fruitless pride, losing the piece of himself he asked me to secure. God, it kills me like anything. And how hopelessly I crave to beg him on my knees..for a single moment of atonement. Maybe he'll never ask for an apology..And may lend his hand to guide me through this redemption. Maybe I'll never know how he felt when the last bend made us go out of sight..Or what he had to say apart from wiping my tears. Maybe I'll never know how many nights I've made him cry..And how long. Maybe I'll never know him crying..Or he'll never show anything but a smile. But it's been an year. An year less than the years we're destined to stay apart. And an year towards the future we have painted together. And yet, another year, of what makes you feel proud of. I'll miss him. His innocent smiles. His earnest attempts to make me smile some more. And the image of my helpless smiles in his eyes. For he has indeed being the one, who has brought about the eternal spring in my life..painted my days green and nights scarlet, like the imminent rains resting on the evening sky..and fabricated the abstract essence of happiness somewhere between the troughs and crests of my life.

To myself...

I could thankfully greet him with a smiling face today. Fight and successfully pretend to be the same person till now.

Only if I could have refrained those tears a little longer..till our meeting came to an end.

But thank goodness today; he could see only parts of myself...

For he saw those tears and missed the struggle behind to keep them from coming.

Watched me smile but failed to fathom the pain suffered to do so.

Gave consolations but didn't realise that they won't work.

And saw that red scar on the left hand fist, while the clawing of the right hand nails onto the victimised fist, to fight back a few tears, went unnoticed.

For he could say.."You are my strength. Not the one to cry and break down. You have to stay strong as always. Its you from where I draw encouragement".

And couldn’t hear me saying.."I have been your strength since the couple of years you have known me. Till then I had been brought up like the girl I am from within. Delicate, sensitive, vulnerable."

So cruel...So far

Its all born from the sense of disgust this cursed year has burdened upon me now.I tried my best to accept it with a smile...bt regrettably everything has gone to vain.

Beginning like all the other seventeen years I have survived, I won't believe it to be my fault to think this one belong to the same sort. Again a pawn of destiny.....I feel cheated over and over my this deceptive first-sight impression.Is it such ruthless a mistake to pay heed to the first call of intuition? I earnestly passed the days so far...in the elusive search of optimism. But darkness hovered over and over.Yet again, many a times, I ran to get blinded by the gloomy fate brought for me by this year. But every time hit upon a solid, promising rock..clutch onto it hard..and hopscotch through the odds with the hope of retreiving back with some flying colours.

I fail to behold,that colours have left me quite long ago...leaving some long meticulously-nursed memories awashed in the colours of despair and gloom. I knew I've been fooled again; for I've only learnt to birth them, rear them up...and never did I harness the zeal to pull them off before the world, eagerly waiting to pull me down again...render false consolations...and again get me bathed all over in the colours of defeat...in black and white.

Sans YOU...

I know its hard to bear the heat...

But monsoon won't come this time

Choose your path, leaving the one I tread...

For its foolish to walk my line.

Dont worry about here, ever henceforth...

I'll be fine as being lovelorn.

Spare but this night from thy memories...

I won't cry from tomorrow morn.

Never again empathize those futile tears

Which'll flow....and've always flown

I don't need to hold your finger anymore...

I have learnt to walk on my own.